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Daria

In

Dogmatic Daria

(a Daria/Viewaskewniverse crossover)

Daria looked around at her bleak black and white world and the dump of a Quick Stop she found herself working in.  She knew this was all wrong, that she wasn't supposed to be here, but she was also feeling like this was exactly where she was meant to be.  She looked up at the customer in front of her and part of her mind was telling her she knew him.  He was the drug dealer who hung out in front of the store.  Ray, no Jay that’s it.  His name was Jay and the guy watching him with a mild expression on his face was Bob.  Quiet Bob.  The next thing she tried to wrap around her mind was why the hell her world was now in black and white.  Jay and his friend took the pack of rolling papers she had apparently just sold them and walked away. 

There was an odd looking fellow pulling out carton after carton of eggs inspecting each one. Her eyes widened as she realized it was Mr. O'Neil.  After staring at the cartons for several long moments, he started smashing egg after egg.  She made a move to go stop his egg carnage when she heard the stoner ranting out front.  He and his silent partner had stepped outside and she could hear him cursing madly at passing customers.  She took another look at herself in black and white before thumping her head onto the counter. "I'm *thump* not *thump* even *thump* supposed *thump* to *thump* be here *thump* today!"

Suddenly a booming voice spoke out from behind her, "BEHOLD THE METATRON, HERALDER OF THE ALMIGHTY, AND THE VOICE OF THE ONE TRUE GOD."

Daria turned, shocked, to see a pillar of fire in the corner of the store, She stood there a moment in complete shock then, from behind her, the splash of a giant economy size raspberry Slushie is heard as it flies through the air and splatters across the pillar of fire, dousing it. In place of the fire a very disgruntled looking man stood.

"First blood and fire extinguishers, now this.  Will it never end?" He finally took notice of the lack of color in the store around him. "Well this just won't do at all.  You, with the good aim, grab your shocked friend here and the two little stoners out front.  We have some business to attend to."  Daria continued to stare at him.  He snapped  his fingers in front of her face, as Jane moved up to stand beside her, and gave the Metatron a look of recognition "Hey I know you, your that guy from Galaxy Quest, Harry Potter, ooh and Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. Come on say one of your lines.  Please?  Come on just one little line, maybe 'I'll cut his heart out with a spoon! Or 'by Grabthars Hammer you will be avenged!' Come on gimme a line.  Hell a "Mr. Potter" would do.

He instead gave her a withering look.  "As handsome as that gentleman may be, I am not him.  He just got lucky in the looks department.  Now come on, snap your friend out of her fugue state and grab the two 'profits' from outside. we have business to attend to.

 Jay was working up a good rap when the hot video store clerk tapped him on the shoulder.  Man if he wasn't in love with boobookittyfuck he'd bang the hell out of her "Hell yeah come to get some hottie?  I'm taken but my hetero life mate, Silent Bob ain’t got no chick just yet."

Jane looked him up and down just once before laughing at him.  "Your friend Bob maybe, but you were NEVER in the running."  We see Bob grinning a little at this, so does Jay. "Hey Tons O'fun quit that shit. Your my bitch damnit, you back my ass." He said, turning back to Jane. "So whatcha want then?"

Jane wondered how much to tell him then decided to keep it simple, other wise this little druggie wouldn't follow the conversation. "Some guy named Metatron wants to see you, he is in the Quick Stop waiting to talk to you both."

At this both Jay and Bob's eyes nearly pop out of their sockets. Jay started inching away and Bob grabbed his arm and marched him toward the Quick Stop. "I hope the fucking fate of the planet doesn't rest on us this time." Jay muttered as Bob hauled him into the store.  Jane's eyes widened a little at that comment. She just figured they owed this guy money or something.

As they entered the store Daria had composed herself just a bit, and the metatron was surveying the damage done by the 'Egg Guy'. Jane noticed him for the first time. He had ignored everything in the store, including the Metatron's fiery entrance and was transfixed on the egg he now balanced in his hand. He moved to the front of the store and handed Daria a couple crumpled hundred dollar bills before moving to leave the store staring rapturously at his prize. Jay looked at him for a moment or two and then turned to the Metatron.

"So what the fuck's up Megatron?" Bob smacked him on the chest and looked at the metatron expectantly.  Metatron gave Jay a dirty look and then spoke. "I am the Metatron, as some of you should know, and I am the voice of God when talking with you humans, since one word from the Almighty’s mouth would cause you to experience new realms of pain as your head exploded on your shoulders.  I have come to charge you with a holy quest." He looks at Daria and Jane. Then he looks and Jay and Silent Bob, "And you two 'profits' are gonna help them. Someone is after Bethany's baby and you two at least should know why her child is of particular importance. After the last fiasco someone decided that having control of Bethany's child was a good bargaining chip, you know 'with the family' and they are working up a plan to take the child. Your going to stop them."

---

 Daria looked at the Metatron frightened in spite of herself then she thought of a reason not to take his job offer. "If we go on your little quest we're gonna loose our jobs. Maybe I shouldn't be here, but I am responsible for the store." She spots Jay pocketing several Hostess fruit pies, "and if we don't take care of business we're both gonna get fired."  She reaches in Jay's jacket, pulls out the fruit pies and puts them back on the shelf.  "What am I supposed to call and tell the manager?  God wants me to go on a little errand and my job can wait."

Metatron looks at first her then the Jay and Bob a little shocked. "You’re telling me she doesn't know just who it is she works for? You two little stoners never told them?" Jay pays no attention instead trying to sneak another fruit pie. Silent Bob however just shrugs.

Metatron eyes him a moment longer then turned back to Daria and Jane. "What if I could guarantee your boss will not fire, or in any way hold your absence against the two of you?"

"Jane and Daria looked at each other a moment. "How do Jane and I know your telling the truth? What proof do we have that your not lying through your teeth?"

The Metatron glares at the two of them another moment. "Well why don't you just ask them yourselves. Daria, Jane meet the owner of this fine establishment... as well as the lovely video store next door." He holds his arms toward Jay and Bob. Jay is still oblivious munching away at his fruit pie and Bob gives them a sheepish grin and shrug.

Daria and Jane looked at each other a moment, and then together, "Yeah right!" Jay seemed to catch up with the conversation at this point. "Hell yeah, me and Tubby here used what was left of our mother fucking movie check to buy our home away from home. After we taught all those little fucks who was saying shit about us on the internet a lesson, we came back here and fired those two little bitches Dante and Randal, and got rid of that damned restraining order and now me and tons o'fun are back where we belong."

The Metatron had had enough of the curse filled explanations. "Look I seem to recall show and tell being very effective in squashing your various arguments." With this announcement he snapped his fingers and the five of them were suddenly sitting in the pizza king around a booth.  They also found that they were back in living Technicolor.

Bob looks properly impressed but by no means shocked at the turn of events, and Jay was busy working up a nifty rant as Daria and Jane simply gaped at each other.  Finally, Daria deadpanned, "well the least you could have done was have the pizza waiting hot for us."  The Metatron simply replied "done" and an extra large pepperoni pizza was sat down in front of her.

Daria sat back silently contemplating both the pizza and the being sitting opposite her.  Metatron for his part started haranguing the waitress, "What does the Voice of God have to do to get a bottle of tequila around here?  Oh and two glasses..." He looks around the restaurant in distaste, "clean ones if you please."

While the Queen of Cynicism sat stunned the unflappable Jane Lane was curious.  As Jay reached across her and snagged a piece of pizza she went on the offensive.  "Tell us what you want from us.  You drag us off to the wastelands of Jersey then poof we're back in home sweet hell Lawndale.  Why go to all that trouble messing with our realities, and for that matter, if you do have that kind of power what the hell do you need us for?"

"Exactly" he uttered as a waitress approached carrying a tray laddened down with his order.  The raven haired artist looked at him waiting a better explanation.  Once the waitress departed tray in hand he continued as if nothing had happened.  "Hell.  There is a sort of non-aggression pact between Heaven and Hell." After a look at their confused faces he continued.  "Follow along people its all rather simple.  After the Morning Star made his bid for the throne and was defeated he was forced out of Heaven and took up rule in Hell.  Those who fought on his side were banished along with him.  God allows him to exist in order to offer temptation to man.  As long as he makes no attempts at returning to Heaven God has given her word..."

Jane jumped in at this point, "Her word?  God is a girl?"

"Hell yeah bitch is stacked too.  She kissed me n shit." Jay spouted as Silent Bob smacked him up side the head. 

"God is God.  She is male and female, old and young, wise to the universe and innocent.  God is the ultimate paradox, understand?'

"No." Jane replied.

"Good then you're getting the idea, God isn't meant to be understood."

“You know I actually think I understood that.” Jane replied.  “Ok on with the explanation.”

Facetious as ever the Metatron continued, “As I was saying, as long as Lucifer makes no moves to try and take over Heaven, God has given her word that ‘she’ would leave him alone.  He is exploiting that promise by trying to have someone take Bethany’s baby.  As God gave her word, she simply cannot intervene, but that’s not to say someone else can’t.”  He stopped speaking a moment and looked at them.  Daria and Jane were looking at each other, Bob’s attention was between the Metatron and Jay, who was eyeing a neighboring booth with interest. 

In the silence we hear a voice from the booth that had caught Jay’s attention.  “Gee Quinn, who are those losers hanging out with your ‘sister’?  It seems someone must have called a loser convention at the Pizza King while we weren’t looking.”

Another voice piped up, moving from concerned to hyperventilate, “Oh no sandi, what if people see us here and think we’re losers?”

A third voice spoke up, “Breath Stacy, it’s alright.  Anyone who knows us knows ‘we’ aren’t losers.  I’m not sure who ‘those people’ are, but their unfashionable attire is none of our concern.”

Sandi continued, “Still Quinn, perhaps you should have a word with ‘your’ sister about her choice of companions.”

This had to be one of the lowest points in her life.  Miss one little sign and just look at the mess you get yourself into, well missing the sign and driving over several road cones.  Ok so miss a road sign and crush sixteen orange road pylons.  Still, it was hardly a massive offence.  She was not looking forward to the time she would have to spend in this hot cramped little room.  However, several hours here over the next two weeks saved her from several months of taking the bus, or from asking Helen for help.  This was definitely the lesser evil.

She sat down in one of the hard metal folding chairs and waited restlessly for the instructor to get there.  She looked around briefly at the people consigned to hell at her side.  There was a little old woman who had to be in her upper nineties, three older men who looked to hail from the chewing tobacco / buckshot crowd, a pair of young men bragging to each other about how fast they’d gone to get here who were being watched and giggled at by a pair of teenage girls who barely looked old enough to drive.  There was also a girl who looked to be about twenty-two or so, with black hair cut in what could be best described as either a ragged bowl cut or a ruffled mushroom.  The girl turned towards her and their eyes met for brief seconds before Amy quickly dropped her eyes and looked towards the front of the room.

Finally the door opened and in sauntered the instructor.  He was ten minutes late and acted like it didn’t matter to him.  His very attitude caused her head to ache; it simply screamed, “I’m a petty tyrant who lives off his good looks.”  This was going to suck.  He started speaking in a dull monotone about his credentials to teach the class, all the while flirting terribly with the giggling teen duo, who had, at his entrance, found seats in the very front, and seemed to hang on every word.  She rolled her eyes at the idiocy of it all, and proceeded to open up a tablet to take notes on the off chance he said something of importance.

She realized suddenly that she didn’t know how one ‘passed’ this class and raised her hand to ask just what was required.  The instructor ignored her raised hand and continued flirting with the gigglers upfront.  Just then she heard a voice directly behind her, “Don’t bother.  If you’re not slim with huge hooters he won’t answer questions.”  Before Amy could reply the voice continued.  “I’m a veteran here; what do you want to know?” 

She thought a moment, “How does one get the hell out of here?”  The owner of the voice moved up to sit next to her, it was the dark haired girl.  She smiled crookedly at Amy, then handed her a piece of paper that had letters scribbled on it.

At Amy’s look of confusion she explained, “The answers to the final test.  It was written out for him by an admirer, and he never varies.  Mainly cause he doesn’t know a damn thing about driving aside from, ‘Chicks dig a hot car.’ His daddy got him the job.  Just tell him you’ve been studying, you want to take the test, and you don’t want to take up any more of his time.  He’ll let you go as long he has someone left to flirt with.”

Amy wasn’t convinced, “You know all this how exactly?”

“Well I’ve taken the class four times, and I used to go to school with him.  So I know quite a bit about the dunce in front of the room.”

Amy smirked and accepted the sheet of paper.  It was amazingly simple to memorize the first ten questions where all A’s, the next ten C’s and the final ten B’s.  “So who do I owe my first born child to?” she asked grinning.

The raven haired girl smiled back, “Penny Lane at your service.”

Penny’s plan had worked perfectly.  The two of them took the test at the end of class, and Mr. Rico Suave, muttered under his breath about “Brains” while he filled their completion certificates out.  Amy thanked Penny as they left the classroom and then headed to her car. 

She was pulling out of the parking garage into the pouring rain when she saw Penny running for the bus stop.  She pulled up along side the stop, leaned over, opened the passenger door, and yelled over the crashing thunder, “Get in.”

Penny slid into the seat of the lime green gremlin Amy was driving, and immediately soaked the seats.  She peered at Amy in what seemed to be an assessing manner.  “How do I know its safe to drive with you?  After all you had to take that class… “

Amy smirked at her, “As long as you’re not an orange plastic road cone, your perfectly safe with me.”  The moment the words where out of her mouth she swerved the car to the left to avoid a dog running across the wet road in front of her.  “Ok road cones or dogs.”  She said a little breathlessly.  “So where are we heading?”

“Well how about a cup of coffee.  My little brother started a band and if I go home now I’ll be forced to listen to them practice for an hour or more before they doze off.” 

“Doze off?  This early?”  Amy asked her curiosity peaked.

“You don’t know my brother and his friends.  Their really great, not annoying like most of the kids their age, but I swear if sleeping became an Olympic sport my brother, Trent, would take home the gold.  He can sleep anywhere, anytime, doing anything.  Jesse is really sweet but you can’t get him to shut up; I think he has some kinda crush on me, and little Nicky is the shy one.  They’re great guys really, but listening to them practice is cruel and unusual punishment.”